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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180970">Straight roads lead to hell</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelous_imagination/pseuds/marvelous_imagination'>marvelous_imagination</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>One Direction (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Louis Tomlinson-centric, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Panic Attacks, Smut, ish</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:13:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,572</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29180970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelous_imagination/pseuds/marvelous_imagination</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry struggles. Louis is always there for him. They try to navigate their stressful lives together.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a work of fiction. Please do keep that in mind.</p><p>Not beta-read.</p><p>Based on my own mental health struggles.</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of panic attacks and anxiety.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>People love inspirational quotes. The best are those that can be printed on a T-shirt, a notepad or included in a catchy slogan promoting yet another version of the very much same shampoo that will make your hair the healthiest fucking hair on the planet. Inspirational quotes are cool. They might lift your spirits after a tough day or offer sweet reassurance that eventually you will be okay. But there's only so much a bunch of words can do and they certainly can't heal a mental breakdown, ease bone-deep exhaustion or relieve persistent pain. </p><p> </p><p>That's why Louis is so pissed off when Harry receives a card with a pretty painting of a star and <em> 'Magic is believing in yourself, if you can do that, you can make anything happen.' </em> printed inside. Harry, who has been pleading for a few days off since last month. His precious Harry, who has been suffering from frightening panic attacks and nausea in the last couple of weeks. His dear Harry, who only wants to have a tiny bloody break from the prying eyes to get out of whatever he's been spiralling into.</p><p> </p><p>"Them fuckers," Louis huffs as Harry shows him the card he took out of the package he was handed at the management meeting they just returned from. Harry laughs bitterly and wants to shove the jiffy bag into the bin only to find there's something else inside.</p><p> </p><p>"Ah, what did they get me next? A pack of wine gums to shut my mouth?" Harry remarks sarcastically, as he spills out the contents of the envelope on the bed. </p><p> </p><p>"Oh," that's all there is to say when Harry inspects a little pack of Diazepam. There's a label covering the opening with his name, the name of their tour doctor and brief instructions regarding dosage. </p><p> </p><p>"They can't be serious," Louis exclaims and stands up from where he was sitting next to Harry. "They can't do this, it must be illegal or something," Louis starts pacing around the hotel room. </p><p> </p><p>"What's it precisely for?" he asks quietly. Louis meets his eyes. He hates how exhausted his younger boyfriend looks in the dim light of the two bedside lamps. They never switch on the central lights on the ceiling, especially not in hotel rooms. Hotel rooms seem so sterile and coldly impersonal in the first place, and artificial light somehow makes it even more prominent. Louis sighs. </p><p> </p><p>"It's for anxiety, but that's not the point-,"</p><p> </p><p>Upon hearing this, Harry instantly sets the box of pills aside. "I don't need it," he says flatly. There's a moment of silence. Louis stops the pacing, leans against the entrance door and observes Harry's fidgeting fingers.</p><p> </p><p>"It's not this bad with me, is it?" a bunch of wavy locks fall to Harry's face as he lowers his head to look at the medication. It makes Louis muse about the way Harry's hair has changed over the years. </p><p> </p><p>He met a boy with wild curls on his head who managed to enchant him pretty much right away. Louis still vividly recalls how he used to play with those tiny ringlets that formed themselves at the end of Harry's locks. Louis misses those times. </p><p> </p><p>Harry has grown out his hair so now it's wavy rather than curly, but there still are a couple of brownish ringlets swaying just above his shoulders. Louis doesn't have a preference regarding the different hairstyles. He's a fool that'll forever think that everything looks lovely on Harry, but he can't deny that he misses the mop of uncontrollable curls for in his mind it represents something more. Yes, it stands for the carefree life they once had, the contagious excitement between them and their dreams within arm's reach.</p><p> </p><p>"Lou?" Harry's uncertain tone makes him snap out of his contemplations. He hates how Harry seems so insecure in his own skin right now. He can't let them do this. </p><p> </p><p>"This is all wrong, Haz," Louis states eventually and approaches his boyfriend. "First, they can't just throw some pills at you to shut you up. These are no fun, they are sedatives, and highly addictive," Louis kneels in front of Harry and takes his hands.</p><p> </p><p>"But what if I am turning into a mad nutter? Maybe I should take these," Harry gestures to the pack of Diazepam lying next to him.</p><p> </p><p>"Sweetheart, there's nothing wrong with needing to be on meds. It doesn't make you a nutter, okay? But they can't just give you these as a solution to everything," Louis starts slowly rubbing the outer side of Harry's thighs. Harry makes an attempt to interrupt his speech, but Louis doesn't let him.</p><p> </p><p>"What you really need right now is proper rest, a few days off where you let me take care of you, and if it doesn't get better afterwards, then we'll go to a doctor," Louis does his best to keep his voice low and reassuring.</p><p> </p><p>"They won't give me a few days off, you know that," the ugly truth lingers in the air between them before Louis gets up from the floor and pulls Harry into a hug.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm gonna take care of it, don't worry about it," he kisses Harry on the forehead before pulling him closer again. They stay in that position for a little longer, both knowing that this is the only form of comfort they can currently get.</p><p> </p><p>"It's late, let's go to bed," </p><p> </p><p>"I'm scared I won't be able to sleep again," Harry admits but starts undressing anyway. </p><p> </p><p>"Have you touched the sheets? This is Egyptian cotton, Harry, not like your teensy, smelly bunk bed in the tour bus," Louis exclaims theatrically, and Harry laughs. They both know Harry's insomnia doesn't care about how soft and welcoming the bed is, but that doesn't matter for a moment. Harry laughs, and Louis laughs because Harry does. And that's all that matters right now. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The city is utterly mesmerising with its glitzy coat of lights that can cover everything - from the grubbiest of quarters to the last hideous building insight. The young boy Louis used to be was obsessed with views like this. Back then, everything appeared excitingly new and flashy. But right now, Louis would love to be in Doncaster more than anywhere else in the world. He desperately misses his hometown, where his life always becomes just a little bit more straightforward. </p><p>Simplicity and peace are terribly underrated, Louis thinks, as he takes the last drag of his cig and presses the butt against the cold metal railing before flicking it out of the balcony with his middle finger. Feeling as if a heavyweight was pushing down on his shoulders, he tries to stretch his back to ease the unpleasant sensation, but it only makes the tension spread up to his neck.</p><p>"A hot shower could loosen it up a bit," Harry suggests as he enters the balcony wearing only a white bathrobe and a pair of plain blue socks. The hotel bathrobe is just a little bit too short for him, revealing a good portion of his slightly tanned thighs. </p><p>Louis smiles and takes a moment to admire the cloud of steam forming itself around Harry, who has just stepped out of the bathroom. "Or I could lend you a hand," Harry shakes his fingers demonstratively. </p><p>"Hot shower will be enough, I reckon," Louis approaches his younger boyfriend and takes him by the waste. </p><p>"Feeling better?" Harry just nods as Louis gently traces the ends of his damp locks. </p><p>"Good," Louis smiles again. Harry usually feels better after a long shower or a bath. It's one of the little things that help them get through this. He shifts his hand up to Harry's chest and pushes him gently inside their shared room. "You look tired," it's more of a statement than a question. </p><p>"Yeah," Harry mutters under his breath as he leans in for a simple kiss. Their lips only meet for a brief moment before Louis pulls away a few inches. </p><p>"Let me just hop into the shower real quick, and then I'll join you in bed, alright?" he wants to head into the bathroom, but Harry won't let go of his hand. Louis opens his mouth to ask what's wrong, but then he meets Harry's watery eyes and immediately knows his boyfriend's not feeling as good as he previously thought.</p><p>"Can I go with you?" there's a slight tremor in Harry's voice which makes Louis's heart clench. It's almost like he can feel physical pain every time he witnesses his Harry struggling. </p><p>"Of course you can, darling," he pulls Harry in for a tight hug and strokes the hair at the nape of his head. In the very beginning, Louis didn't understand Harry's sudden need to have someone around when he got like this. But then, after one particularly bad panic attack, Harry told him it helped him feel like he wasn't alone with his thoughts. So since then, Louis always tries to make Harry feel his presence and tight hugs have proven to have grounding effects on Harry.</p><p>"Do you need anything?" Louis asks but gets a quiet uh-uh as a response. </p><p>"Okay," he squeezes Harry's hand. "I didn't even tell you about the news from mum," Louis starts as he leads them both to the small hotel bathroom. "They're taking the girls to Copenhagen for the half-term break," he dims the bathroom lights and starts shredding his clothes while Harry puts down the lid and sits on the closed toilet.</p><p>This isn't new to them. During the past months, Harry's taken countless supervised showers with Louis waiting in the bathroom. Just as there have been numerous occasions when it was Harry who sat outside the shower, listening to his boyfriend humming Beatles' hits while washing his hair. </p><p>"The girls don't know it yet, they're getting it as a surprise for Valentine's day," Louis continues, knowing that talking helps Harry to not to feel trapped in his own head.</p><p>"I bet they'll be thrilled to bits," Harry offers as he watches Louis disappear behind the glass shower door. </p><p>"I'd hope so, mum admitted it's quite pricey," Louis raises his voice a bit so that Harry can hear him over the running water. </p><p>"But they're not struggling, are they?" </p><p>"No, of course not, but mum doesn't want to spoil the kids just because I have a fat trust fund now," Louis takes a pause to wash down the shampoo. "She wants them to know that there's more to life than money," Louis turns the heat up a bit to accumulate some more warmth before switching the shower off and stepping into the colder surrounding of the bathroom.</p><p>Harry's now sitting cross-legged on the white toilet cover. His head is tilted slightly backwards, eyes closed, and hands laid loosely in his lap. It reminds Louis of the Lotus position except Harry's shoulders are visibly hunched, and his face doesn't seem to be nearly as peaceful for meditation. </p><p>Louis thinks he looks absolutely endearing in the short bathrobe - now loose around his waist, revealing most of his tattoed chest and a couple of tiny stomach rolls. </p><p>"I love you," Louis hears himself say suddenly, and stops towel drying his hair when his boyfriend looks at him with half-open eyes. Harry's eyes look small, and his thin smile doesn't provide much reassurance to Louis' nerves.</p><p>"I love you too," the words come out sounding weak yet strangely peaceful. </p><p>"It'll be okay, I promise," Louis immediately adds because he can see the pain in Harry's face. He fastens a towel around his waist and stretches his right arm in Harry's direction. "I'll take care of you, and we'll figure it out together. And don't worry about management, I'll deal with it. It'll be okay," Louis repeats reassuringly and smiles when Harry accepts his hand. </p><p>Harry's compliance only strengthens Louis' will do fight. Usually, Harry would argue back. He would be annoyingly stubborn. He would keep on repeating that he can deal with his problems on his own. And while Louis is glad that Harry will let him help, he also feels a lump forming inside his throat at the younger man's apathy. Harry has always had this characteristic fire inside of him, which now seems to be gone. </p><p>"Now, let's go to bed though," and with that Louis leads them to the fresh, crisp sheets of their shared hotel bed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A tad bit shorter chapter this time as uni takes most of my time these days.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Louis' alarm goes off as the clock strikes a minute past seven. His whole body jerks in shock before he gains enough consciousness to turn the bloody thing off. He can't find the force to make any further attempts at waking up, let alone get out of the warm sheets. It's only after a couple of silent minutes that his eyes finally crack open again when he feels Harry's body shift beside him. </p>
<p>It feels like they've never gone to bed. The city's still coated in darkness, and the sun won't rise for at least another couple of hours. Harry fumbles with a lamp switch - that's inconveniently hanging in the narrow gap between the bed and the wooden nightstand - before managing to turn the light on. Louis watches him pucker his face at the sudden brightness. </p>
<p>"Wait," Louis finally says as Harry starts untangling himself from the sheets to get out of bed. Harry sighs and looks at him. </p>
<p>"What?" there's a hint of frustration in his tone, which isn't surprising considering he didn't get a decent sleep and kept waking up throughout the night. The chain of hardly peaceful nights is getting so long that Louis has trouble remembering the last time Harry got more than four hours of uninterrupted slumber.</p>
<p>In Louis' mind, the recent nights merge into one. One excessively long, yet somehow still exhausting night of recurring empty promises of rest that had lost their meaning before they could be vocalised. Lately, Harry's fallen into a daunting pattern of crushing into bed yet being unable to fall asleep despite his bone-deep exhaustion. And even when sleep finally came, it never laster more than a few hours - Harry would wake up with ostensibly irrational fear and panic that usually wouldn't let him fall back asleep until the early morning. Louis still doesn't know how to cope with the overwhelming guilt coming from the fact that he mostly sleeps through the night while the love of his fucking life, just a few inches away, struggles to get hardly any rest at all.</p>
<p>"We don't have time for this, Lou. Rehearsals start in two hours," Harry's voice is still a bit husky as it usually is in the mornings, which for once plays into Louis' cards.</p>
<p>"Let's tell them you need vocal rest," Louis blurts out and climbs over to Harry's side of the bed. "We'll pretend you're losing your voice, and they'll have no chance but to put you on vocal rest for a few days," he tries to cup Harry's face, but his boyfriend stops his hand before it can reach his cheek.</p>
<p>"We have a gig tonight. We can't just cancel it for nothing," Louis knows Harry's trying hard to sound adamant about it, but his eyes tell a different story. "You can't carry on like this, Haz, you need a break,"</p>
<p>"Do you realise how much these people pay to go see us perform? It's a lot of money for most of them, and they save up just to see us on the stage. It's crazy! We're literally getting paid for doing what we love and having fun on stage. We're rich, privileged, and so lucky to be where we are now and-" Louis gently presses a finger on Harry's lips to stop the increasingly desperate monologue.</p>
<p>"Listen to me, Harry Styles, I'm not going to let you ruin your health over a gig or two. I won't let you beat yourself up because you need a break from this crazy fast pace. The fans will understand, and it's not like they'll lose their money - we'll reschedule the concert," Louis slides his finger down and rests it under Harry's chin.</p>
<p>"Look at me," he takes a second to stare into his younger boyfriend's eyes before continuing. "We have bloody amazing fans - they'd understand even if we had to postpone the whole tour, you know," </p>
<p>"It feels like I'm failing the only thing I'm actually good at," Harry tries to look away, but Louis doesn't let him.</p>
<p>"Well, I'm here to remind you that you're not failing. You are fucking brilliant, and you shouldn't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. You work hard, god knows you deserve a break," </p>
<p>Louis slowly leans in for a kiss. Their lips brush lightly against each other, yet they barely touch. They both exhale at the same time, and Louis wonders how it's possible that he loves Harry so much that even the mixture of their terrible morning breaths makes his heart flutter with affection. </p>
<p>"I'm just really tired," Harry whispers against Louis' lips.</p>
<p>"I know, that's why you'll stay right here in this bed while I take care of everything else,"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've found that writing has quite therapeutic effect on me but I'm honestly not entirely sure where I'm going with this. The next chapter will hopefully contain more action.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another short chapter is here. I might stick to shorter chapters and upload them on semi-weekly basis but I'm not sure yet. </p><p>Anyway, hope you enjoy this one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A soft click. There's a glint of red light from under the door handle, signalling that the door to their shared hotel room is locked. Harry pops the key card into his pocket and looks at Louis.</p><p>"I know what you're thinking, but I wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyway. Lying awake in bed is what I currently do during the nights; any more of it would drive me insane,"</p><p>"But your body needs to rest, you-,"</p><p>"Don't you think I know this? I would love to go to bed and sleep this very minute, but I can't. So can we just not talk about it right now?" Harry sighs, irritated by Louis' concerned expression.</p><p>Louis swallows the next remark about Harry not prioritising his own well-being. He knows it would only cause them to fight, which is the last thing he wants to do. They need to support each other more than ever, so he tries to suppress his own need to be right and only nods instead.</p><p>They walk to the lifts. He can sense Harry's nerves and desperately tries to come up with something helpful to say. Meanwhile, his younger boyfriend gets noticeably irritated at the faulty call button of one of the lifts.</p><p>Louis looks around to check there's nobody nearby, steps closer to Harry and simply holds his free hand. Harry exhales loudly but doesn't pull away.</p><p>"I know I agreed to your plan, but I don't think it'll work," the tone of Harry's voice reminds Louis of a petulant child.</p><p>Louis gathers the last bits of his self-control to stop himself from retorting sarcastically. Having met as silly little teenagers at the X-Factor and spending the vast majority of time together ever since inevitably means that they know each other like nobody else does. Louis usually cherishes the way Harry can read him like an open book. He takes pride in keeping all of Harry's secrets and finds great comfort in having someone to confide to in return. However, knowing each other so well also means that Harry is the only person that can piss him off in record time whenever he pleases.</p><p>"Well, it's worth trying, innit?" the question comes out sounding a bit stiff, but Louis reckons it's still better than <em>thank fuck your own plan of letting them destroy you can save the day</em>.</p><p>The lift arrives onto their floor with a muted <em>ding</em>, and they swiftly part their touching hands in case there's somebody inside. The door slides open and reveals, to Louis' small delight, an empty lift. He's not in the mood to talk to people, and the concept of even the smallest of small talks with whoever could have been in the lift seems appalling.</p><p>They get in, remaining silent while waiting for the lift to close again and take them to the first floor, where the rest of the boys are waiting for them in a private lobby.</p><p>Louis pretends to check his hair in the mirror but keeps looking at the reflection of his boyfriend. Harry has his eyes fixed on the control panel that shows the current position of the lift.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry meets his eyes through the mirror and sighs. "I know I'm being a prick today," at these words, Louis turns around to face Harry properly. Then, in a matter of split seconds, Harry approaches him in one step and hugs him tightly, knowing they only have a moment before the lift stops.</p><p>"It's okay," Louis simply says because he means it. He knows Harry wouldn’t behave like this if he wasn't so sleep deprived.</p><p>"I appreciate everything you do for me, and I l-" Harry's interrupted by another <em>ding</em> as the lift comes to a halt on the first floor. They quickly pull away before the door starts to open. Some of the hotel personnel must know that they share a hotel room, but officially they have separate rooms - even if one routinely stays unused - and they don't want to risk someone taking a photo of them hugging or holding hands. Any kind of public display of affection is taboo these days, that much has been made clear to them at the last management meeting.</p><p>The private lobby, where they're scheduled to have breakfast with the rest of the boys, is conveniently situated right across the hall. Upon entering, Louis greets a few of the crew members that are hanging around the buffet table. Harry follows right behind him, but instead of actually saying <em>hellos</em> and <em>mornings</em> out loud, he sticks to tight smiles and nods just as they agreed.</p><p>"You're late again!" Niall exclaims as he appears in front of them, holding a cup of coffee and a half-eaten doughnut.</p><p>"We need to talk with you, mate. Where's Zayn and Liam?" Louis goes straight to the point without even bothering to pretend to be his cheerful self.</p><p>"Is everything okay?" Niall's question goes unanswered as Louis continues with an insistent tone.</p><p>"We need to talk as a band, just the five of us,"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It took me longer than I anticipated but here we go. </p><p>As always, I hope you enjoy it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Having found a bit of privacy inside a smaller room, probably serving as an occasional boardroom for the business guest, all of the boys look expectantly at Louis and Harry. Looking at their worried faces, Louis doesn't want to drag the unsettling silence any longer, so he decides to get straight to the point.</p><p>"Harry and I need a couple of days off," he says finally, opting to include himself in the statement because he knows how Harry feels about being the only one needing a break. There's a short pause where Louis tries to think of an appropriate way to continue. </p><p>It wouldn't feel right to talk in detail about Harry's mental health problems. They are all very close friends, but he's well aware of how insecure Harry is about his current struggles. Even between the two of them, it hasn't been easy for Harry to admit out loud that something's bothering him.</p><p>"What's wrong?" Liam's the first to break the silence after Louis fails to find the right words to further explain himself. The question itself is enough to cause Louis shiver. Everything's wrong. They should be living their dream life, yet everything feels horribly wrong. They are forced to get through every aspect of their lives at such an unbelievably fast speed that even the most exciting events like sold-out gigs and album releases are beginning to disappear in a nebulous blur. Louis doesn't know where to start.</p><p>"I'm fucked up," Harry says flatly, and Louis realises he's not standing beside him anymore. On the opposite side of the room, Harry takes a chair and sits down. He's now sat at the head of the long glass conference table while the rest of them still stand all the way across it.</p><p>The words ring in Louis' ears. A wave of panic washes over him as he observes Harry's torpid expression. He looks broken. Louis wants to scream. He wants to shout at all the people that are part of this disgusting, moneymaking carousel. He wants to yell at everyone and no one in particular; because Harry looks broken, and there's not much Louis can do right now.</p><p>"Shit, I'm sorry, guys, I just need a day or two to pull myself together again," Harry hides his face in his hands and takes a shaky breath. Louis has the urge to get closer to him again - to demonstrate he's on his side both mentally and physically, but he can't bring himself to move. </p><p>He's petrified, and all at once, it collapses onto him - what if it'll never be okay again? What is it that made him believe they can sort this out? It's not like this madness won't start all over again, even if they get a month off. What if this is just the beginning of an end? End of what, Louis ponders; end of the tour? Their band? Their careers? Their bright future? He instantly regrets thinking about it, but once the thoughts emerged, it's almost impossible to keep them at bay. Louis attempts to cling to any point of reassurance but finds he cannot recall any.</p><p>Hopelessly, he watches as Liam, Niall and Zayn all approach Harry, promptly comforting him. Their voices are soft and tender, and that alone is making Louis feel a bit warmer inside. He's slowly beginning to believe again that everything will be okay eventually - from Zayn's "let it all out, mate, it'll help," to Niall's "is there anything we can do? Whatever you need," and Liam's "why are you apologising, Harry?". So, Louis just stands there, listening to the boys as they keep comforting Harry until he's almost calmed down. </p><p>"What about you?" Liam's voice makes Louis snap out of his thoughts. Liam's now standing in front of him, leaning against the window and watching him intently.</p><p>"What about me?" Louis asks and looks at Harry again, who's now having a quiet conversation with Niall and Zayn.</p><p>"How are you dealing with it?" Liam responds patiently. </p><p>"I'm fine," he gives the phrase a try even though he knows it won't work on Liam.</p><p>"Bollocks," Liam scoffs, not buying any of it. Part of Louis wants to get angry. Part of him wants to tell Liam the one who's struggling is Harry, not him. There's even a fraction of him that wants to tell his friend to fuck off. Louis doesn't like the way Liam seems to be studying him. He feels strangely exposed, and it doesn't exactly help him when he's trying to keep a collected composure.</p><p>"I know you're probably trying to keep it together for Harry, but you don't look so good yourself, mate," Liam sounds genuinely worried, and Louis has to try very hard not to start weeping like a ten-year-old school girl.</p><p>"Thanks, you never fail to flatter my ego," Louis jokes in an attempt to dodge the subject, but Liam apparently refuses to drop it and continues.</p><p>"Look, I know you're just trying to protect Harry but promise me you're looking after yourself as well," Louis doesn't know what to respond, but Liam keeps staring at him, so eventually, he gives him a noncommital nod.</p><p>"I've always got your back, mate, so tell me if you need anything, okay?" Liam pats him consolingly on the shoulder. "It'll be alright again," he adds and looks over his shoulder to where the rest of the boys are. "He can get through this, just needs a break to get some proper rest," Liam offers and sounds so sure of it that Louis cannot help but smile. It's an indescribable relief to hear those affirmations by a voice that is not his own.</p><p>"Thank you," Louis finally gets out and exhales loudly.</p><p>"Anytime. Now, Harry told us about your plan,"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Don't have much to say tonight, except for; enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Do you ever think about what it'd be like hadn't we auditioned for X-Factor?" Louis asks quietly and takes another sip from the half-full Corona bottle he's holding. Liam raises his eyebrows but doesn't say anything.</p><p>It's dark and on the borderline of chilly. Louis snuggles further into his oversized hoodie, letting the long sleeves hang all the way up to the tips of his fingers. They've been sitting on the balcony of Louis' and Harry's shared hotel room for at least half an hour now, but very few words have been said. The post-concert adrenaline's long gone, yet Louis feels strangely restless.</p><p>The sliding door to the balcony is half-open, the dark curtains twirl with each wind blow, and in the narrow gap between them, Louis gets a restricted view of his boyfriend's sleeping form illuminated by his laptop. Harry's put on the latest episode of the Bake Off, which is his current go-to show to fall asleep to. </p><p>"I mean, do you ever think about what we are apart from 1D?" Louis tears his eyes from Harry and puts down the bottle. He shivers as he fishes out a pack of cigs out of his pocket. Opening the crumpled paper box, Louis frowns when he spots a single last cigarette inside. He tries not to think about the fact that he only bought the pack this morning. </p><p>Watching the goosebumps on his exposed legs, Louis briefly considers going in to change from his shorts into a pair of warmer joggers that'd arguably make more suitable attire for a night this cold before aborting the idea and taking out the last cigarette instead. The cold sensation emphasized by the weak drizzle falling onto his bare skin is a pleasant distraction from his thoughts, Louis decides as he manages to light the cig with his stiff fingers.</p><p>"Sure," is all Liam offers and keeps looking at the city spread under them. They got a hotel on the outskirts, so there's practically no traffic at this time of the night. Sitting on a balcony on the 15th floor and with the building itself being on a small hill, the whole city's practically laid open to their admiration. </p><p>"And?" Louis urges on, not satisfied with Liam's vague answer.</p><p>"1D's our band, not our identity," Liam says finally. He gives a grimace of exaggerated disgust when the wind blows the smoke from Louis' cigarette into his face and finishes his bottle in a large gulp before continuing.</p><p>"You can't define yourself by what they say about you. Most of it isn't true anyway. That's what I try to keep in mind. And when things get tough, then at least we're in it together, you know," Liam shrugs and looks at him again. Like all of them, he looks like he could use some sleep, but his smiles appear to be genuine, and he generally seems to be at ease. Louis is sincerely happy to see his friend contented even if he can't really comprehend how Liam can keep up with everything.</p><p>Louis tilts his head backwards and slowly exhales, watching the smoke linger above him before swiftly disappearing with the next wind blow. "I don't get much comfort from that," he mutters, still facing the sky. "Cause it always just feels like me against the world. And now I'm fighting for Harry as well, and I'm fucking scared I'm gonna screw up," Louis tries to stop the tears that have been building up in the corners of his eyes and takes another drag.</p><p>"I told you I'm here for you. You don't have to do it alone," Liam repeats his words from earlier.</p><p>"What could you possibly do about it?" Louis scoffs. He taps his cig on the rim of the ashtray before putting it up to his lips once again. "You have you no fucking clue what it's like," Louis regrets his words almost instantly but doesn't apologize. Instead, he takes his time to calm down, vacantly admiring Liam for staying calm.</p><p>Minutes pass by. They sit in tense silence while Louis finishes his cigarette. Puffing out the last bits of smoke he's been holding in the back of his throat, he presses the butt against the ceramic ashtray and tries to encourage himself to say something.</p><p>"I'm sorry. I'm in a shit mood," Louis murmurs out eventually and looks over the table at Liam, who responds with a patient nod.</p><p>The antsy feeling from earlier is beginning to fade away, and Louis' not sure if its thanks to the generous dose of nicotine or the tipsiness that starts to set in (the two Corona's feeling warm inside his otherwise empty stomach).</p><p>"You do have it worse, you and Harry, but you don't have to bottle it up inside yourself, you know," Liam keeps his expression unreadable. It seems he's careful not to wind Louis up again.</p><p>"I-, ehrm, just don't want to bother you with all of it," Louis responds. It's true; all of them are worn out by the constant hassle that comes with the world tour, and he doesn't want to add anything to his friend's already full plate.</p><p>"I'd rather get the chance to be bothered by it all than see you get all bitchy with me," Liam retorts and gives him a sly grin. </p><p>Louis chuckles but doesn't say anything. He tries to sort out his thoughts, deciding where to start. "I'm just wondering if Harry'd be happier if there wasn't any One Direction," Louis hears himself blurt out, not sure where it came from. He begins to peel off the label of the Corona bottle to keep his hands from fidgeting.</p><p>"Harry's been born for this. You've been on stage with him. Everyone knows he's a natural," </p><p>"Maybe, but you haven't seen what it's like behind closed doors, Li. He gets panic attacks so bad he actually gulps for air - and he feels like he's suffocating. He feels nauseous after almost every fucking meal. And he can't even get a decent sleep," Louis pauses and inhales shakily.</p><p>"It feels like I'm watching him fall apart. And nobody can force me to just watch and not do anything about it," Louis accidentally rips the corner of the label off the bottle and crumples it between his fingers angrily before tossing it off the balcony.</p><p>"I didn't know," Liam frowns and shifts in his chair. "How long?"</p><p>"Since last month," Louis says and runs his hand through his hair. "He didn't want you to know. He feels guilty about being the only one who can't keep up," </p><p>"Shit, that's crazy," Louis watches Liam jump up from his chair, shortly lean against the metal railing and turn around to face him again. "Why didn't I notice anything?" </p><p>"He's good at hiding it in front of people," Louis says flatly and empties his drink in a couple of swigs. "I still can't believe I let him perform tonight," he briefly looks to where Harry's sleeping inside the hotel room. "I fucking promised him to take care of everything and then let them push him onto the stage anyway,"</p><p>"You couldn't do anything. It was Harry who didn't follow your plan and told them there's nothing wrong with his voice," Liam tries to sound reassuring, but it doesn't help Louis to feel less guilty about it.</p><p>"But that's because they basically guilted him into it. They make him feel like shit for wanting a break," the words linger unpleasantly in the air while the theme of The Bake Off plays quietly in the background.</p><p>"What if we all say we need a break? I mean, they can't ignore all of us, can they?" Liam asks finally, and while Louis doesn't want to get his hopes up, he can't resist clinging to the hopeful tone of his friend's voice.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Long time no see. </p><p>Midterms didn't leave me with much time for writing so I apologise for the long wait.</p><p>Anyway, enjoy another chapter, this time with a bit of smut and fluff because the drama can wait.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So, how's Harry now?" Liam asks and leans his back against the glass door. </p><p> </p><p>"Dunno," Louis huffs out, his eyes wandering back to look at his sleeping boyfriend through the gap between the hotel curtains only to find they have been drawn together by the wind. "He seemed to be alright, but I haven't got the chance to talk to him after the gig, not properly anyway. He was knackered, went straight to bed," Louis gestures vaguely to where Harry's lying on the bed. Liam nods and rubs his eyes tiredly.</p><p> </p><p>"Let me go grab us another drink," he says decisively, but Louis stops him.</p><p> </p><p>"Nah, let's call it a night," Louis stretches out in his chair, purposefully ignoring the stiffness in his neck that has been bothering him for a couple of days now. "I'm exhausted," Louis adds upon seeing his friend's sceptical expression. Technically, it's not a lie, even if he's saying it for Liam's sake rather than his own. </p><p> </p><p>"Alright, but we'll talk first thing tomorrow, okay?" Liam says in a steady voice before crossing the small balcony to give Louis a reassuring hug.</p><p> </p><p>"First thing tomorrow, that is," Louis repeats and squeezes his friend one last time before letting go. Liam grabs his phone from the table and starts pushing the sliding door fully open, careful not to wake Harry. </p><p> </p><p>"Liam?" Louis whispers before his friend has the chance to disappear inside.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?" </p><p> </p><p>"Thank you," </p><p> </p><p>"It'll be alright, you know," Liam's voice is merely more than a whisper, but he still manages to sound steady. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Louis chuckles even though he's still internally clinging to every single word of reassurance Liam has offered him during the day. "Now go. I need a break from your stupid face before I have to look at it again tomorrow," he adds jokingly and waves his arm in a campy gesture, signalling Liam to leave.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey," Liam laughs before swiftly pressing his index finger up to his lips, hushing Louis as he notices Harry shift in bed. </p><p> </p><p>With the Bake-Off re-run over, the hotel room falls quiet. Louis watches Liam slowly walking to the door, trying to keep his steps soft against the carpeted floor. Louis doesn't bother explaining to his friend that it's the stillness of the surrounding that usually wakes Harry up. He just waves him a silent <em> goodnight </em> and waits to hear the soft click of the door before returning to the balcony.</p><p> </p><p>He could use another drink, Louis reckons, but the thought of drinking alone right after declining his friend's offer seems depressing. He sits down and scans the glittering city landscape before his eyes wander back to the empty bottles and crumpled pack of cigarettes. There's this voice in the back of his head, telling him to inspect the package again to see if there isn't the one last nicotine stick after all. He gives in to the urge and looks inside even though he knows very well it's empty.</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, a wave of frustration washes over him again, and the tears he's been able to hold back threaten to leave the corners of his eyes. Louis inhales, counting to five before slowly breathing out. He brushes off the single tear that managed to escape from his tired eyes and curses himself for being so pathetic. <em> Just look at him, an adult man, crying on a balcony in the middle of the night because he's a weak fucker who doesn't even have the guts to stand up and protect the love of his fucking life.  </em>Utterly pathetic.</p><p> </p><p>He keeps replaying Liam's comforting words in his head, yet it's still getting harder not to start weeping like a small child. The familiar doubt and overwhelming guilt steadily creep into his mind. The dull pain from his stiff neck spreads across his shoulders as he sinks lower into the uncomfortable chair. He keeps replaying Liam's comforting in his head, yet it doesn't seem to help much. </p><p> </p><p>Louis presses his thumb against the home button on his phone, welcoming a couple of unread messages as a distraction from his impending breakdown. He's smiling upon reading a text from his mum giving him the latest gossip from home when he notices the time. An ungodly hour, his mum would say. Maybe it's the tiredness that makes him so emotional, Louis thinks but still takes the time to compose a somewhat expansive reply and promise to call her tomorrow evening.</p><p> </p><p>Then, he stands up, goes back inside, quickly closing the door, pretending to have left all of his pathetic sadness and self-pity on the balcony. <em> Jesus, is this really who he's become?  </em></p><p> </p><p>Going through his simple night routine manages to calm him down enough so that when he sits on his side of the bed, leaning to put his phone on the charger, he feels nothing but weariness of the long day. He gets under the covers and turns to lay on his side. Shortly, he contemplates getting up again to close the curtains before noticing Harry's intently watching him.</p><p> </p><p>"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up," Louis whispers and finally rests his head against the heavenly soft pillow. </p><p> </p><p>"I've been up since Liam left," Harry says, his voice low and soft. Louis tenses a bit, not fond of the fact that he can't read his boyfriend's expression in the dark - unable to see his face properly except for the outlines of his hair and the almost imperceptible shine of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>"Do you want me to put on another episode of Bake Off?" Louis asks after a while, already scanning the room for Harry's laptop he put aside a few minutes ago. </p><p> </p><p>"Was actually hoping to get some cuddles once you finally come to bed," Harry replies in a playful tone, and Louis finds himself instinctively shifting towards him. He rests his hand on the younger boy's cheek, pleased to find the famous dimple with the tip of his index finger. <em> Harry's smiling then; that's good.    </em></p><p> </p><p>They snuggle up closer, and with Harry's legs tangled with his own, Louis finally feels himself relax. His boyfriend's fingers are moving slowly in his hair, lightly scratching his scalp, and for a moment, Louis allows himself to forget all of their problems. He suppresses a blissful groan when Harry's fingers reach a particularly tender spot on the crown of his head. </p><p> </p><p>"Feel good?" Harry mumbles and gently tugs at Louis' hair before going back to massaging the older boy's head.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Louis manages to get out before Harry presses their lips together. Harry untangles his fingers from Louis' hair and slides his hand down to his neck, where he lets it rest, seeming content with being able to both push his boyfriend closer and caress the hair on his nape. He hums when Louis finally parts his lips, allowing him to deepen the kiss.</p><p> </p><p>The kiss itself is slow and tender. And usually, this wouldn't be enough to get Louis going - especially considering how tired he feels - but it's been a while since they've gone past cuddling, and he can feel his dick twitch against Harry's thigh. </p><p> </p><p>He's not sure how long it's been since the last time they had sex, but it must be a good couple of weeks. With the mental health decline, Harry ultimately lost his sex drive, which has drastically changed the way they shared intimacy. For them, sex had always been an easy, natural way to share their feelings - be it the slow, sensual lovemaking late into the night, the playful and rough experimenting on their days off or the sloppy, exciting blowjobs before a gig. </p><p> </p><p>Louis knows that their currently non-existent sex life is something Harry is very insecure about - it must be yet another thing that doesn't make him feel himself, Louis reckons. It bothers him far more than Louis, who, despite getting sexually frustrated, would rather give up sex forever than push his boyfriend into anything - he feels gross just thinking about it.</p><p> </p><p>The only time Louis gets truly frustrated is in situations like these - when they're cuddled up, and their bodies are pressed together. Louis knows Harry needs to feel him close, needs him to hug him tightly and make him feel like he's not alone. However, Louis is also only a human, and despite his best efforts, he can't prevent his body from reacting to his boyfriend's beautiful, warm body pressed against him. </p><p> </p><p>Louis tries to shift, attempting to hide his now semi-hard cock, but it's almost impossible since they are so closely snuggled up. Eventually, Louis breaks the kiss, withdrawing slightly before cupping Harry's face. </p><p> </p><p>"Just slow down a bit, yeah?" he gets out breathily, wiggling his legs in an attempt to prevent himself from instinctively humping into Harry's thigh.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't you want it?" Harry whispers and slips his hand under the duvet, sliding it down Louis' chest and stomach until the older boy stops him. </p><p> </p><p>"We talked about this. I don't want this to be a one-sided matter," Louis says flatly even though his dick is now almost painfully hard, just a few inches from where he stopped Harry's hand.</p><p> </p><p>"'S not," Harry mumbles into his lips as he buckles his hips against Louis' stomach. Louis breathes out a quiet <em> oh </em> when he feels his boyfriend's erection pressed against his hip. Harry smiles into the kiss before extricating his hand from Louis' gentle grip and slipping it lower. </p><p> </p><p>Harry shifts, aligning their cocks and pressing them together. They both moan into each others' parted lips, and Louis finds himself instinctively moving his own hand to the younger boy's hips, caressing his side.</p><p> </p><p>It's suddenly too hot in the room. Louis tries to get rid of the duvet by kicking it off with his leg, but it only moves a mere inch. Before he can try again, Harry turns both of them in one swift motion - Louis now lying on his back with his boyfriend cradling on top of him. </p><p> </p><p>Harry straightens his back and tugs his hair behind his ears. Louis is breathless; he attentively watches the younger man, silently admiring his angelic like face, which is now slightly illuminated by the lights from the outside. He loves him so much it makes his chest hurt, Louis ponders, knowing that if he said it out loud, Harry would inevitably respond with a sneaky <em> no, that's what heart attack feels like, Lou. </em> Louis loves that he knows what Harry would have said. Louis loves Harry. His Harry. His Harry, who's naked and driving him mad by humping slowly against Louis' clothed crotch. </p><p> </p><p>Louis shifts his gaze to Harry's dick, sliding back and forth against the thin fabric of Louis' boxers. He feels like he could come just from the view and the little friction. <em> God, it's been definitely too long. </em></p><p> </p><p>When Harry lifts himself, Louis whimpers at the loss of friction before intuitively thrusting upwards. "Come back here," Louis mutters, with his hands on Harry's hips, pushing him down.</p><p> </p><p>"Hold on, eager," Harry smirks and leans in for another kiss before ably stripping the older boy's boxers. He doesn't bother pulling them past Louis' knees, hastily returning to their previous position. The skin-on-skin sensation makes Louis shudder. He's not going to last very long, but judging by the wet precome dripping onto his belly, neither will Harry.</p><p> </p><p>Louis attempts to put his hand around both of their dicks, but he's abruptly stopped by Harry, who takes Louis' hand into his and entwines their fingers. He then guides their holding hands to their cocks, gripping their lengths with both his and Louis' hand. </p><p> </p><p>They begin moving their holding hands while simultaneously exchanging sloppy kisses. Louis feels absolutely heavenly. His face must be flushed, and he's incredibly hot with his legs still mostly covered by the duvet. Their hands are a bit too dry, which makes Louis wince in discomfort. But before he can say anything, Harry withdraws for a minute, only to spit onto their hard cocks, and Louis finds himself wondering if he ever saw anything more erotic than the shimmering spit falling from the gorgeous mouth of his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p>It's not perfect; the position doesn't allow Louis much movement, so with each thrust of his hips, he feels like he might be straining his back, the spit doesn't provide nearly enough lubrication, and their thrusts are a bit uncoordinated. It's not perfect, but it's wonderfully intimate, and Louis can feel the pressure building up inside his balls. </p><p> </p><p>"'m close," he breathes out into Harry's lips before leaning closer to suck on Harry's lower lip which earns him a loud groan from the younger man.</p><p> </p><p>"Me too," Louis moves his thumb over the tips of their dicks which seems to send Harry over the edge. He watches Harry tense up above him, reflexively tightening the grip over their lengths which makes Louis tremble as he comes in between their hands.</p><p> </p><p>It's utter bliss, Louis thinks as his breathing starts to slow down, a euphoric sense of peace spreading through his body. Harry's dead weight lying on top of him makes him feel pleasantly grounded, and not even the cum smeared on his stomach and fingers bothers him. </p><p> </p><p>After a while of silently enjoying the immediate afterglow, Harry shifts to lay down next to him. "Let me clean the mess," Louis says, finally pulling his boxers off his legs and going to the bathroom to fetch a towel. He thinks about switching on the bedside lamp but decides against it, helping to clean Harry's cum-covered skin in the relative darkness before tossing the towel on the floor. </p><p> </p><p>"So, where did that come from?" Louis asks jokingly, snuggling back to Harry's side. Harry turns to lay on his side, their foreheads almost touching, but remains silent.</p><p> </p><p>"I, ehm, I know it's been a while," the younger boy eventually stutters sheepishly, and Louis frowns. </p><p> </p><p>"I was just joking. You don't need to explain anything, Haz," Louis says reassuringly, not wanting to ruin this rare moment. "I love you," he adds and leans in to press a kiss to the tip of Harry's nose. He runs his finger across the younger man's cheek, delighted to feel him smile under his touch.</p><p> </p><p>"I love you too, Lou," Harry whispers back, running his fingers through Louis' dishevelled fringe. </p><p> </p><p>"And I admire you for being so strong and coping with all the shit on a daily basis," Louis continues, unable to stop himself. "Because you are one of the strongest people I know and-" </p><p> </p><p>"Lou?" Harry interrupts him shakily.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p> </p><p>"I need to tell you something,"</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>My insomnia's decided to make an appearance tonight which sucks. But at least I had the time to finish off this chapter.</p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Okay," Louis says hesitantly, not happy with how serious Harry sounds. He tries not to think of any horrifying scenarios, but pleasant conversations never begin with <em> I need to tell you something</em>; the phrase itself seemingly foreshadowing some unpleasant business.  <em> I need to tell you something </em>  is the opening to a heavy dialogue.  <em> I need to tell you something  </em> is a line that never fails to ignite even the tiniest of his fears buried in the back of his mind, and Harry knows it. He knows how much Louis dreads to hear the phrase. Harry wouldn't use it if he didn't find it hard to get straight to the point.  <em> It can't be good. </em></p><p> </p><p>"I'm not as strong as you think," Harry declares quietly while gently tracing the stubble on Louis' jaw with his knuckles. Louis instinctively shakes his head.</p><p> </p><p>"If anything, you're stronger than that, darling. I know you probably don't see it, and that's because you haven't been feeling very well. But I admire how you manage to cope with every-"</p><p> </p><p>"I took the Diazepam before the gig this evening," Harry blurts out, interrupting Louis' pep talk. Harry breathes out loudly into the silence and halts, in anticipation, the tender movement of his fingers against the older boy's cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Louis freezes. He doesn't know what to say. Does it mean Harry had a panic attack before the gig? Did he take it because he thought he wouldn't be able to perform without it? Why didn't Louis notice anything? Why the fuck didn't he come to Louis? Doesn't he trust him anymore? <em> Or what if they made him- </em></p><p> </p><p>"Did they make you take it?" Louis asks finally, his whole body tense once again. He can feel Harry immediately shake his head.</p><p> </p><p>"No, no, nobody made me," Harry stutters. Louis falls silent again, giving his boyfriend the space to explain himself, but Harry doesn't continue. There's a moment quiet; they're still lying on the sides, their faces so close that Louis can feel Harry's breath on his skin. </p><p> </p><p>Louis feels the anger building up inside him with every second that passes without Harry saying a word. <em> Isn't he at least worthy of an explanation? </em> </p><p> </p><p>"Aren't you gonna explain?" Louis urges and pulls away from the younger man. He then turns around and switches on the bedside lamp. He's not going to have an argument in the dark. He needs to see Harry's face if they're going to fight. <em> God, he's too tired for this. </em></p><p> </p><p>His eyes flicker in protest upon being exposed to the dim light. Louis selfishly wishes Harry didn't tell him anything - they'd be now snuggled close together, enjoying the pleasant haze of the afterglow, maybe having a peaceful conversation before drifting off to sleep. Except Harry wouldn't fall asleep, Louis thinks bitterly; Harry hasn't been able to fall asleep in a silent surrounding for over a month. </p><p> </p><p>When he turns back, leaning towards the cold headboard, Harry's lying on his back and staring onto the ceiling. "Look at me, Harry," Louis demands, his voice tight. The younger boy doesn't comply, choosing to keep studying the ceiling instead. </p><p> </p><p>"I just couldn't let them down," Harry lets out eventually, still avoiding Louis' persistent gaze. "The fans, I mean. The arena was sold out - that's twenty thousand people out there, I just couldn't not perform," Harry's voice sounds brittle, but Louis is too upset to comfort him.</p><p> </p><p>"How many times do I have to tell you that you have to prioritise your own health? Fuck, it's not that difficult, Haz, you-," </p><p> </p><p>"It's not easy!" Harry exclaims, sitting up as well and covering his legs and crotch with the duvet. "It might be easy for you, but I just can't stop thinking about how lucky we are to be doing what we do. I'm not sure if you realise it, but we owe the fans everything, and I'm not going to act like an ungrateful bastard and not perform because I can't cope with my personal problems,"</p><p> </p><p>"You think I don't realise how fortunate we are? 'f course I do! But you can't expect me to watch you destroy yourself like that. I'm just trying to help you, for fuck's sake!" Louis swiftly gets out of bed, takes a pair of joggers out of his suitcase and puts them on before turning back to where Harry's sitting on the bed.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't you see that you're letting the management use you like a bloody puppet?" Louis asks, throwing his hands in despair. </p><p> </p><p>"What?" </p><p> </p><p>"You're doing exactly what they want! You ask them for a break, and they pull out the good old '<em>do you know how privileged you are' </em> to guilt you into carrying on. When you get worse and ask again, they just give you some pretty strong pills without even properly knowing what's bothering you. And what do you do? Take it and keep going because-," Louis' voice breaks. He tears his gaze from his boyfriend, taking a moment to compose himself. "I'm worried about you. You can't just keep on doing what they tell you," </p><p> </p><p>"As if you haven't been doing the same thing for years," Harry snaps back bitterly.</p><p> </p><p>"You're not actually implying that my fake relationships are comparable w-,"</p><p> </p><p>"Why not? You've been successfully knuckling under to our management since the very beginning, so excuse me if I don't take your advice on this," Harry's voice's getting increasingly louder with each word. If Louis himself wouldn't be so furious, he'd probably worry if they're disturbing people next door.  </p><p> </p><p>"Fuck you! You know very well that I've been doing it for us. Do you think I enjoy it? No, but there's literally no other option for me," the irritation is bubbling inside him as Louis kicks one of their suitcases. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he realises that it’s the bone-deep exhaustion's making him so exasperated, but he's too worked up to care right now.</p><p> </p><p>"Neither was there for me tonight - I had to take it," Harry rubs his eyes tiredly and inhales loudly. "I'm just trying to keep it together. Do you really not understand that?" </p><p> </p><p>"And what about me? Do you think it's easy for me to watch you struggle and not let me help? Why didn't you come to me instead of popping pills?" he wants to keep his tone stern but fails, unable to hide the desperation in his voice. </p><p> </p><p>"We both know that you can't help me, Lou. There's only so much your promises of better times can do," Harry says wryly. <em> That's it. Harry thinks he can't help him.  </em></p><p> </p><p>The room's suddenly too small. Louis leans down to grab the first T-shirt he can find and hastily pulls it over his head. He then gets to the door in a few quick steps, not bothering to take his phone or wallet and opens the door to the bright corridor.</p><p> </p><p>"Where are you going?" he can hear the shuffling of Harry's feet on the carpet but doesn't turn around to look.</p><p> </p><p>"None of your business," Louis mutters as he leaves their room.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed it so far. This is a work in progress.</p><p>Also, a comment would make my day.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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